Nanny.

I've been contemplating for a few days now on whether or not to blog about this. For starters, it's hugely personal and it's still raw. Very raw.

In life, the only guarantee we have when we are born is that at some point, we will die. Yet, despite this, 'we', as a collective species, are all pretty bad at confronting our own mortality... until it slaps you square in the face that is. I've experienced loss before and I'm as bad as my fellow man at dealing with it. However, no amount of loss can prepare you for when you lose someone as close as your grandmother. I'm literally on an emotional rollercoaster ride at the moment but I thought writing down my feelings would act as some sort of therapy, even if the effect is only temporary.

Now, I feel I need to recognise the fact that 'Nanny' isn't the most common title for a grandmother to have. By all accounts, my grandmother actually didn't like being called 'Nanny'. However, as I was the eldest grandchild and someone who couldn't actually say 'Granny' at the time, the name stuck. Looking back now, she never looked like a 'Gran' or a 'Granny' or a 'Nan' anyway... She looked like a 'Nanny' and she was perfect. Thankfully, she accepted her title with the type of grace only a grandmother could have and she made sure to sign all of her cards with 'Nanny'.

I have always thought that if you closed your eyes really tight and imagined the archetype-grandmother, you would open your eyes to find my 'Nanny' standing and smiling in front of you. She had grey, permed hair like the Queen, something that never changed for as long as I knew her. She wore glasses and had false teeth. Her personal style was the height of 'Granny-Couture' - she was never without tartan trousers, a wooly jumper or cardigan and loafers. Chic indeed.

She had the perfect voice for a Grandmother as well. Soft and soothing, accompanied with typical Grandmother sayings such as 'Cor'; 'Blimey'; 'Crikey'; 'Wotcha' (I'm making her sound like an Australian Cockney... she wasn't). Every single birthday, the highlight of the day would be when she would ring and give a rousing rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. It was always sort of a jazzy arrangement, her own unique style. Not something that would win 'The X Factor' certainly but perfect all the same. She also had the most wonderful laugh, a sort of a giggle that came from the heart, sometimes a little shrill at the end but always full of glee.

When it came to 'Grandmother Skills', my 'Nanny' was definitely top notch. She was fantastic at sewing, even going so far as to make me a dress for my starring debut as Dorothy in my Primary School's production of 'The Wizard of Oz'. She made the best flapjack. No contest. And her hugs? Well, they were the best. Even after I grew to nearly double the height of her, she could still give you the biggest, back-breaking hugs that would literally squeeze the breath out of you. That's how much love she had to give and it was endless.

When I was a child, Katie and I would spend every summer with both my 'Nanny' and my Grandad. I wish I could remember all the amazing times we spent together at their caravan but there are far too many. Whether it was cycling up and down the road, sitting in the paddling pool, participating in dance competitions or karaoke at the clubhouse, watching 'Annie' and 'The Jungle Book' one after the other repeatedly or simply running out of bed in the morning to climb in beside them whilst they had their morning tea, they are all precious childhood memories. Ones that I will never forget to treasure.

However, as you get older, things begin to change. You begin to get a little too big to share the bed, you begin to outgrow the child movies, school starts to become a more prominent priority in your life, the distance between England and Scotland seems to grow larger, time seems to go faster and then 'BAM', you're suddenly eighteen years old and off to university, ready to begin a new chapter in your life. And yet, despite the distance, the love never dwindles or diminishes. Even though I didn't get to see my grandparents as much as I would have liked over the last few years, we certainly didn't love each other any less. And the few times we did share together in the last few years were fantastic.

Last year, when it was Katie's eighteenth, I could not have imagined at that time that that would be the last time I would ever see my 'Nanny'. It was a normal weekend and when we said 'Goodbye', I never even considered the possibility that that would be the last time I would ever see her. A little foolish in hindsight, considering that both of my grandparents were in their eighties at this point. I still never even considered it when she was admitted to hospital last month for the first time. 'Nanny' was old, yes but she was still fairly active and had plenty more years in her. I did start to worry when she was admitted a second time but having survived four heart attacks in three weeks, she seemed almost indestructible for the time being. When she was discharged, we all breathed a sigh of relief. We became complacent. Stupid really.

I spoke to her on the phone for the very last time a week ago when she was discharged. It was quite brief considering how exhausted she was but she did sound happy and that is a great comfort to me. I told her how good it was to hear her voice and how glad I was that she had got out of hospital before New Year. She told me how happy she was because she was sitting in her armchair, at home, surrounded by her family. I told her to take care of herself, that I loved her and that I would see her very soon. If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that I'm glad I told her that I loved her one last time. Because I truly did.

The last few days have been a bit of a blur. From the moment I was told she had passed away to now, it's been quick. The thought of going back to some sort of normalcy is a difficult prospect at the moment because I cannot see how things can ever be normal again. I have lost such huge part of my life and I'm unsure how to come to terms with that. I'm comforted by the fact that in the end, she was very happy and that she did not suffer. A small consolation in the midst of so much grief.

It's only now that the gravity of the situation has begun to hit me. I'm slowly realising that I will never see her again. I will never see my 'Nanny' and Grandad together again. I will never hug her again. I will never see her writing on birthday or Christmas cards ever again. I will never hear her sing 'Happy Birthday' to me ever again. I'm actually frightened that I will eventually forget what her voice sounded like.

However, as the special person she was, she lives through the ones she left behind. She lives through my Grandfather, the man she chose to spend sixty years of her life and have four children with and who I hope, will find that life is still worth living to the full, even without her. She lives through my mum and my aunts and uncles and finally, through us, her grandchildren. The last photograph she saw of me was my graduation photo whilst she was still in hospital. I hoped she realised when she looked at that photograph that she had had a huge influence on the sort of person I have become and that she was proud of me.

I hope that wherever she is now, she is at peace and although it's painful right now, I will find the strength to continue my life without her, for her. She was an incredibly special lady, a truly kind and caring person and a wonderful grandmother. And I will never forget her as long as I live.

I love you, 'Nanny', Forever and Always.

Let Me Occupy Your Mind... Again.

I've been sitting here for the past five minutes, looking at this blank, virtual canvas and deliberating with myself. 'Should I start my blog again?'; 'Do I have anything interesting to say anymore?'; 'Will I even manage to successfully keep it going for longer than four days?'. The answer to all these questions and many others in my life at the moment is that I simply do not know.

 My life has become unnervingly boring and predictable. I haven't been out of the country in almost two years. I can't procrastinate anymore because I have absolutely nothing to do anyway. I actually miss university because at least I was on some sort of road to somewhere (although the 'somewhere' I had in mind seems light years away). I'm nearly twenty-three and I still share a room with my sister. I could go on and on but the list is endless. All I'm saying, is that when I was leaving school, thinking where will I be, five years from now, this wasn't what I had in mind. I seem to be in a perpetual state of limbo, not yet a fully-grown adult yet no longer a child either. Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, the only person that can get me out of this rut is the lazy, tired and unmotivated bear that is myself.

Now, I'm not going to start this 'New Year, New Me' codswallop (even though the only people I see saying 'New Year, New Me' are the people moaning about people saying 'New Year, New Me) because let's face it, it never works. However, I do need to make my life more fulfilling so in honour of this month of 'change', I have a list of things that I want to achieve this year

1. Read at least four books per month: I used to be a big reader - why did this change?! So many books to read, so little years left on this planet to read them all.

2. See Mark at least once a month: Yes, we have discussed the fact that we don't feel the need to see each other all of the time. However, once every four months is a tad unacceptable.

3. Do something 'Cultural' once a month: Whether it's an orchestra or the theatre, I don't care. I am lucky enough to live on the doorstep of one of the most cultural cities in the world and I do not take full advantage of this. Luckily, Katie has already made sure I meet January's target by purchasing me tickets to go and see 'Wicked' in Edinburgh for Christmas (I cried and I am not ashamed to admit that). I have never seen a ballet or an opera either so they're definitely the top of my list.

4. Reconnect with some old friends: On the whole, I don't think I'm too bad at this but there are some people I have literally had no communication with over the past year. I would really like to see some of these people again.. Life is funny sometimes but I'm a firm believer in 'It's never too late'.

5. Start a Diary: This is a risky one. I highly doubt I will have enough patience to continue a diary. However, I would like one which I could carry everywhere and record things such as ideas, funny moments, my wacky dreams or pieces of writing. Which brings me to my next point...

6. Write More: I have recently come to the realisation that I'm pretty mediocre at Business. Therefore, the only way I'm going to make my millions is by writing a bestseller. I do have it in myself to do it. However, at the moment, all of my ideas are swimming around in the soup I call a brain.

7. Get into the Christmas Spirit: I don't mean right this minute but 'holy moly', I could have made Scrooge look like one of Santa's elves last year. Sainsbury's crushed my Christmas spirit last year, I admit it. I was defeated. However, I vow that it won't this time. Pantos, mince pies, Christmas movie marathons - I don't care what it takes but I will become so 'Christmassy', I will literally become an all-singing and dancing Christmas pudding (I actually hope not seeing as Christmas Pudding is the worst foodstuff in the history of cuisine).

8. Leave the Country: If it involves getting a fake passport, changing my name to Miguel and sitting in the back of a Tesco's lorry on the way to Calais then so be it. I will go abroad this year. The dream would be Interrailling. We'll see what my bank balance says on that one (probably 'Computer says No').

I think that to an average person, these things are pretty easy to achieve. Then again, I'm not your average Joe (or Jane). If the start to this year has taught me anything, life is too short to sit on your arse and wish for things to happen. I think I will need to start to follow some sort of Motivation Quotations blog on Tumblr to make this happen but if that's what it takes, then so be it!

This year is for you, Nanny.