'The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012' - A Manifesto

The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012

'Under Section One of The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012, it is hereby illegal to touch, grab or carress another human being's derriere in the public domain. Failure to comply can invoke a £30 fine, an hour in the stocks or having to beg for forgiveness in front of an entire crowd'.

Proclaimed by the Honourable and Eternal Leader, the President of the Free World (Or, me!)

Introduction

We live in a free society, a society which carries within its lifeblood, a care-free attitude and acceptance. To ridicule or lament a society like this would be fundamentally wrong. However, unfortunately, there are those who abuse their positions in society and commit unspeakable acts towards other members of the public domain. These people must be stopped at all costs. And these people are: Arse Grabbers.

The Crime

The act of arse grabbing is a complicated and vile problem. For the perpetrator, it is a moment of madness or an act of intent. But for the victim, it can be highly traumatic, embarrassing... even mentally scarring! Naturally, there may be some people who are in a relationship who wish to grab each other's arses. This is perfectly acceptable as long as their license to bum grab is shown to a presiding officer of the regime. Otherwise, if caught grabbing an innocent, they must face sever consequences.

Penalty

According to National Statistics, 80% of Bum Grabbing incidences are committed when both parties are under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and although the Free World is strict, we are not unreasonable. If someone is caught bum grabbing, they will be given a warning and a stamp on their forehead, branding them a dirty bum grabber. If they pursue more bum grabbing, they will face a £30 fine, an hour in stocks with bum-shaped rotten tomatoes being launched at them and then perform a humiliating public apology to the affected party. In this way, we hope to rehabilitate offenders to show them the light, and remove all bum grabbing urges from them.

Conclusion

Bum grabbing is a senseless act and needs to be stopped.

With your help, this crime could become a thing of the past.

Chocolate VS. Fruit

So, yesterday, which was Saturday, I decided to get into a 'dieting' frame of mind. I was so close to achieving this goal, purchasing fruit and a yoghurt for lunch and other such slimming habits before I realised it was Easter weekend and that can only mean one thing...

Annual Chocolate Sunday Celebration

Already, any dreams of being a desirable weight by October have flown away with the promise of chocolate and creme eggs on this very sacred day for 'fatsos' like me (although I am not at the stage where I pray to a statue of a high deity made of chocolate. I wouldn't even consider myself a chocoholic, I just eat anything that tastes good. Hence, I think it's about high time I forced a love of celery on myself (even though celery has to be the most tasteless thing ever, apart from cucumber).

Then there's the fruit dilemma. I love fruit. Apples, pears, oranges, pineyapples, grapes (motherfucking grapes) and melon. They all taste great and I'm pretty sure I could live on it. But there's of course the age old problem that it is too damn expensive. For example, a bunch of grapes is £2.50. I could buy a shitload of scran for that amount of money and be eternally happy for all of an afternoon. If the government was really behind getting people healthier, they'd swap the prices around. It might not make chocoholics happy BUT it would save a lot of lives. And saving lives is a very noble thing (or so I have heard).

Oh look, a meme...

For now though, it seems I am destined to remain a fat bastard until such a time exists that I can either control my midnight munching, blow up the kitchen, sew my mouth or go to the gym on  Monday, the gym on Monday being the most unlikely scenario.

Also, I have a new laptop! It only took me six months to replace the one I broke but it is like reuniting with a very old, valuable friend. It took me only five minutes to blog this post as opposed to the normal half an hour it takes to type the same blog on the old PC. Loving life!