Stetsons, Flying Cars and Guy Martin

Right Now: 'Power & Control' - Marina and the Diamonds

I just want to start this blog entry off by stating how addicted I am to 'Temple Run'. I appreciate that the craze of collecting coins and sliding under trees is a ship that has long since sailed but due to the fact that I have only recently purchased an Apple product capable of running it, I am still in the thrall of my obsession. Also, I would like to point out that the 'Brave' version of it, whilst obviously marketed to younger users is about a thousand times harder than the original and I'm really struggling to get above a million. Humph.

Now that I have wrote about my latest pathetic excitement, I want to talk about 'Dallas', the continuation of the classic 80's TV programme, which has been rebooted and is now showing on Channel 5 (I sound like an advertisement...). Naturally, with it coming from such an esteemed (in my correct opinion) era, I just had to watch it and I've just completed the second episode. Not that it's a problem but everytime I watch it, I immediately get a desire to become an oil baron. The amount of money these people have is astonishing, driving in their fast cars and looking good in knee-high boots and Stetsons (which is not a look most people can pull off). Plus, the weather always seems to be sunny and the men are, to be frank, 'mighty fine'.

As you can see, the above pictures are rather self explanatory.

But, in all seriousness, I am genuinely enjoying it. I rarely watch TV programmes because I dislike having to be in front of the television at a certain time of week to watch something (AKA, Fuck the System). Additionally, I have a mortal hatred of watching things with other people. Either something embarrassing happens like a sex scene which casts the shadow of awkwardness over us all or I can't hear because someone is yapping away. So thumbs up for 5 on Demand for allowing me to watch it from the comfort and isolation of my laptop when everyone else has gone to bed. And there you have it. I'm going to admit that I'm a 'Dallas' fan even though there is a big risk that I'll get slagged for it. And yes, before you ask, I am a seventy year old woman, what of it?

Moving swiftly on, I was thinking whilst playing Temple Run that we, as a planet, are really slow on the technology front. In fact, I would go as far to describe it as painfully slow. If you go back sixty years and look at all the films that were being made at that time, most of them depicted this point in the future to have massive skyscrapers which stretched far into the clouds, flying cars driven by robots and other cool stuff. But where is all this cool stuff I hear you ask? Nowhere. That's where.

Honestly, I feel the question of "Why can't I teleport to work instead of paying £4 to get a bus?" is a valid point that must be brought to someone's attention really soon. I mean, companies like Apple, who have spent years developing the iPhone 5, just for it to have a bigger screen should concentrate less on making Siri tell bad jokes and concentrate more on developing a way of getting a pizza delivery to come out of my television. Because I sure as hell would buy that television. I think I may have to pursue this venture when I graduate so watch this space...

Finally, I have a new yet, unattainable man in my life. I watched 'TT: Closer to the Edge' last night after I had watched 'Senna' for the one millionth time (if you haven't seen it, you must, it's fantastic) and I was blown away. I used to think Formula One was a dangerous sport but compared to the TT, it's like a pillow fight. These men are going down windy, country roads at 200 miles per hour on motorbikes. I don't even know where to begin, apart from the fact that I was frightened to watch half the time.

But, whilst watching the film through my hands, I did manage to develop a love for one of the racers, Guy Martin, who I can only describe as the 'Ultimate Lad'. Clearly having absolutely no shame, he candidly admits in front of the camera his night time routine of having a wank before settling down for his kip and proclaiming his hatred for the word 'Unbelievable', which should only be used if 'a man eats his own head'. Not that I find that kind of thing attractive, I think it's more his face. And his hair. He has truly epic hair.

Hiyaz.

Now that I have finished watching these two very similar but oh so different films, I need to find something similar to keep myself satisfied. Watching these documentaries has just reinforced my dream to get a career in Formula One. And maybe, just maybe, I could marry someone as good looking as Guy Martin. If not, I could always fall back on the Oil Baron thing I suppose. I mean, drilling for oil, how hard can it be?

The Prince and the Pauper

I would like someone to nominate themselves to be my full-time accountant. Unfortunately, it would have to be on a volunteer basis (hence the predicament of trying to find an accountant) but I will be able to offer frequent payments of cookies and hugs of the undying appreciation kind.

Okay, I'm not that bad but I genuinely just can't seem to make my money last through a whole month. Last weekend, I lived like a King (or perhaps an even better image would be Silvio Berlusconi). Don't get me wrong, I believe half of my money went straight into the 'Stonehouse Pub' cash register, what with all the Rose tequila shots and the mini Guinness (although I can formally state that I don't regret a single thing). To sum it up, last weekend, I completely 'bunga bunga' partied myself out. And it was great!

 However, now summing up the courage and looking at my poor bank balance, this weekend and the next two afterwards are definitely going to stink more than a Glaswegian junkie. Luckily, a knight in shining (and 3D) armour seems to have arrived in the form of Odeon, who have decided to give me a mass of 2-for-1 vouchers throughout September and the most of October. Can you guess where I'll be spending my free time in the next few weeks? (Unless nobody comes with me, then I'll be poor and lonely, sniffles).

In the midst of all this doom and gloom, there is a slight ray of sunshine. I looked at my savings today and without going into too much financial detail, I'm well on my way to achieving my target, all thanks to Lloyds TSB's fancy pie chart software!

Change My Template, Like One Of Your French Girls...

Do you like my new template? Madiha inspired me but I decided it was time for a change as well (plus, I don't know about my readers but the orange floral pattern was giving me a severe migraine). I decided to bring some cheer to the blog so the new background is a rather prettiful photo of Montréal in the Winter season, which so happens to be the same time of year that I shall be arriving in. And though I have to admit it looks undeniably beautiful, it also looks icky, wet and downright miserable.

Probably should have mentioned I hate snow with a passion.

Obviously, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because it will be a 'great experience... yada yada yada' but at the same time, I feel sort of sad. I live in Scotland, which is possibly the most miserable and dire place in the world when it concerns weather. You don't even get exciting weather like thunder and lighting which would be fine. You just get constant rain and snow. It's just horrible. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm excited for Montréal but for just once in my life, I would like to have lived in a country where taking a raincoat everywhere was not the norm. That would have been fantastic.

Now, I feel like an ungrateful moan.

It's quite late now. I think I shall go to bed. I'm going to see Dredd again tomorrow and I am über excited. It was just the best film I've seen in ages. Plus Karl Urban has a really sexy chin.

Mmm, Karl Urban.

'Cinephillia' (Calm Down, Let Me Explain...)

Cinephillia. Now say it out loud. It's quite a dodgy-sounding word, isn't it?

However, you needn't have worried about my 'ahem' interests as it simply means 'a passionate interest for cinema, film theory and film criticism'. You could say that the last part attracts me the most because there is nothing I enjoy more in this world than a complaint or a moan (according to my mother that is, who probably would even go as far to point out that I am the Queen of Melodrama, complete with a glittering crown). I won't lie, I didn't pick up a dictionary and learn this term. Rather the education came from a more unlikely source, namely 'The Lonely Island', spoof and comedic trio extraordinaires, so I guess behind their love of jizzing at the thought of grapes or Andy Samberg announcing he fucked the brains out of a giant fish, they can be pretty educational...

I set myself a challenge this summer, a mean, lean machine of a challenge. Last summer I slept, watched television and lazed about. Personally, I was of the opinion that it was a great summer, time very well spent but my parentals, unfortunately but not surprisingly, felt very much the opposite. Therefore, I decided that this summer I was going to become a 'more cultured' being and a part of this was to become a Cinephile (although I do not think 'Cinephile' is a term I'll use in general, passing conversation for fear of being caught up in a high-speed police chase through the mean streets of Glasgow. It still sounds incredibly dodgy...).

So do I consider myself to have surpassed all expectations and be a Cinephile like Michael Bolton? Alas, no. However, to attain such a position would be quite something, even though I feel that there is a certain criteria I must meet before I can use this term (or point out as a posh way of 'I like going to the cinema' on my CV). Before you ask, No, this criteria does not involve any dressing up as Jack Sparrow, Forrest Gump, Erin Brockovich or Scarface whatsoever but instead, I believe to become a Cinephile, you must have seen AFI's Top Ten films of all time.

Okay, I'm reloading!

Currently, as of 2012, the rankings stand at:

1. Citizen Kane
2. The Godfather
3. Casablanca
4. Raging Bull
5. Singin' In The Rain
6. Gone With The Wind
7. Lawrence of Arabia
8. Schindler's List
9. Vertigo
10. Wizard of Oz

Out of that ten, I have seen seven of them, five of them I have seen recently on the road to cinephillia. Whilst I appreciate all of them as cinematic innovation and prestige, I can also state that some of them were absolute, convoluted crap. Absolute nonsense. If I have to see Lawrence of Arabia again in this life, it will have been too soon. Honestly, give me Family Guy: Blue Harvest any day over that film. (The worst part was the day after I saw it, I went to see Prometheus, which had a gazillion references to the wretched movie. In fact, that was probably the most horrific part of the movie for me).

However, it is not just the top ten I am concerning myself with. There's so many more films out there that have to be seen. The good and the bad. I have recently been acquainted with a film called 'The Room' which looks so gloriously bad, it must be watched. New mission for the summer to find and watch that movie? Yes, yes I think so.

Sherif Ali: 'You intend to put future viewers through hell watching this movie by fooling critics that it is the best film of all time?' Lawrence: 'Yes, yes I do...'