Stetsons, Flying Cars and Guy Martin

Right Now: 'Power & Control' - Marina and the Diamonds

I just want to start this blog entry off by stating how addicted I am to 'Temple Run'. I appreciate that the craze of collecting coins and sliding under trees is a ship that has long since sailed but due to the fact that I have only recently purchased an Apple product capable of running it, I am still in the thrall of my obsession. Also, I would like to point out that the 'Brave' version of it, whilst obviously marketed to younger users is about a thousand times harder than the original and I'm really struggling to get above a million. Humph.

Now that I have wrote about my latest pathetic excitement, I want to talk about 'Dallas', the continuation of the classic 80's TV programme, which has been rebooted and is now showing on Channel 5 (I sound like an advertisement...). Naturally, with it coming from such an esteemed (in my correct opinion) era, I just had to watch it and I've just completed the second episode. Not that it's a problem but everytime I watch it, I immediately get a desire to become an oil baron. The amount of money these people have is astonishing, driving in their fast cars and looking good in knee-high boots and Stetsons (which is not a look most people can pull off). Plus, the weather always seems to be sunny and the men are, to be frank, 'mighty fine'.

As you can see, the above pictures are rather self explanatory.

But, in all seriousness, I am genuinely enjoying it. I rarely watch TV programmes because I dislike having to be in front of the television at a certain time of week to watch something (AKA, Fuck the System). Additionally, I have a mortal hatred of watching things with other people. Either something embarrassing happens like a sex scene which casts the shadow of awkwardness over us all or I can't hear because someone is yapping away. So thumbs up for 5 on Demand for allowing me to watch it from the comfort and isolation of my laptop when everyone else has gone to bed. And there you have it. I'm going to admit that I'm a 'Dallas' fan even though there is a big risk that I'll get slagged for it. And yes, before you ask, I am a seventy year old woman, what of it?

Moving swiftly on, I was thinking whilst playing Temple Run that we, as a planet, are really slow on the technology front. In fact, I would go as far to describe it as painfully slow. If you go back sixty years and look at all the films that were being made at that time, most of them depicted this point in the future to have massive skyscrapers which stretched far into the clouds, flying cars driven by robots and other cool stuff. But where is all this cool stuff I hear you ask? Nowhere. That's where.

Honestly, I feel the question of "Why can't I teleport to work instead of paying £4 to get a bus?" is a valid point that must be brought to someone's attention really soon. I mean, companies like Apple, who have spent years developing the iPhone 5, just for it to have a bigger screen should concentrate less on making Siri tell bad jokes and concentrate more on developing a way of getting a pizza delivery to come out of my television. Because I sure as hell would buy that television. I think I may have to pursue this venture when I graduate so watch this space...

Finally, I have a new yet, unattainable man in my life. I watched 'TT: Closer to the Edge' last night after I had watched 'Senna' for the one millionth time (if you haven't seen it, you must, it's fantastic) and I was blown away. I used to think Formula One was a dangerous sport but compared to the TT, it's like a pillow fight. These men are going down windy, country roads at 200 miles per hour on motorbikes. I don't even know where to begin, apart from the fact that I was frightened to watch half the time.

But, whilst watching the film through my hands, I did manage to develop a love for one of the racers, Guy Martin, who I can only describe as the 'Ultimate Lad'. Clearly having absolutely no shame, he candidly admits in front of the camera his night time routine of having a wank before settling down for his kip and proclaiming his hatred for the word 'Unbelievable', which should only be used if 'a man eats his own head'. Not that I find that kind of thing attractive, I think it's more his face. And his hair. He has truly epic hair.

Hiyaz.

Now that I have finished watching these two very similar but oh so different films, I need to find something similar to keep myself satisfied. Watching these documentaries has just reinforced my dream to get a career in Formula One. And maybe, just maybe, I could marry someone as good looking as Guy Martin. If not, I could always fall back on the Oil Baron thing I suppose. I mean, drilling for oil, how hard can it be?

The keyboard is mightier than the gun...

I've had a number of enquiries as to why I haven't blogged recently, therefore I will publish an apology.

I'm sorry.

Now that that is out of the way and we can all forget the sorry business, I will continue on with more important matters such as why I haven't blogged. Sadly, I regret to inform you all that I have been writing of a different kind. I'm about ten thousand words into a story. Now, normally, this would sound kind of impressive except it's really not. I have joined the army of forever alone sad sacks who write fan fiction. I won't degrade myself by telling you what pre-established universe I am embellishing (or 'destroying', whatever you think) but I'm sure you can all guess.

Luckily, I have a best friend who puts up with my inane story writing and obsessive behaviour. She reads them and tells me what she thinks, which for all I know she probably thinks is the same quality as dog shit but she'll always say it's good anyway. Once they are finished, I intend to put them up on www.fanfiction.net and perhaps even publish the link (if you're 'lucky' enough, oh dear, my sides split with that humorous quip).

For those unaware of fanfiction.net, it is a really great wee site to expand on a universe. There's thousands of stories on it and some of them are of really good quality. I would suggest checking them out at some point if you've got a few spare hours. Better yet, you could write your own. There's something good about changing a bad ending and giving yourself closure. Or maybe that's just me... I'm not sure.

An End, Once and For All...

Right Now: 'Rannoch' - Mass Effect 3 Soundtrack

I think this blog should come attached with some kind of warning. A warning that to those who do not know me all that well, you should probably know a few things about me. Ladies and Gentlemen, imagine this is a television series and we are at the epic finale episode, where we find out the character we all know (and you know, maybe even, love?) is not who she seems. It can be a heartbreaking and traumatising thing for an avid viewer (or reader) but don't worry, these revelations shouldn't emotionally crush anyone.

As most people on my Facebook will know (mainly because everyone can see my Spotify and the umpteen videos I have uploaded to my wall), I am a gamer. I love gaming. I would genuinely quite happily sit in a room for a week with a console and fully complete a game, losing myself in its story, its characters, its world. The first proper game I ever played came with the first console I ever had. Sadly, I wasn't cool enough to be with the retro kids, I never had a PS1 or a Sega megadrive. Please, don't cry, the very notion itself upsets me greatly, as I feel like I have missed out a large chunk of what is called childhood. The closest I ever got to vintage gaming was a Gameboy Advance when I was nine. (Yes, I didn't even have a Gameboy Color). So I missed out on Pokemon Red too and more importantly, the epicness of locking Lara Croft's butler in the freezer (The more I talk about this, the more I feel the need to admit myself into some institution due to the psychological effects of having barely any childhood). I guess talking about this is a kind of therapy and there is such a thing as emulators which will help me recapture some of the magic.


But I digress, back to my oh-so-interesting life story. The first console I ever got was the original Xbox, which I still have and touch wood as to not jinx the thing, still works. It is a glorious thing, a console that I still play today. When I first got it,it came with two games. The first was Project Gotham Racing 2 (which I contend to this day and to my dying breath, is still the best in the entire series because nothing beats driving around Sydney listening to music burned from a CD to the Xbox hard drive) and Halo: Combat Evolved. I wish I could describe how much the latter game means to me. It's simply beautiful. The plot is utterly fantastic, the combat, easy to master and the characters? There are not many video game characters as badass as Master Chief. Honestly, I could tell you every level in the order it comes in, I have played it that many times. Halo 2 was even better and my absolute favourite of the series, mainly for the part when you drive the tank over the bridge, just such an epic level of shooting and graphics.


I have played many games but my latest gaming obsession has been the Mass Effect games. I have played another game the studio who made Mass Effect, Bioware, developed and that was Dragon Age: Origins prior to Mass Effect. It wasn't the combat, or the graphics that made me love this game, it was the story, the characters, the freedom of choice. Never have I played a game that could go anyway you chose, it was simply fantastic. The best part is that you can play it again and it won't be the same game. Value for money? I think so. Bioware have definitely targeted a fantastic gaming market and I wouldn't hesitate to buy a similar game if it was in the same vein as these other two.


However, as much as I loved Dragon Age Origins (In particular, a character named Alistair who was a freakin' babe), Mass Effect is superior on so many levels. It is literally the best game I've ever played. In fact, if someone had told me to create my perfect game, without any constraints, I think Mass Effect would be it. I don't play these games to progress or get achievements. I play them for the story, to talk to the characters and even (which is a big part of these games, believe it or not), romance a character. In the Mass Effect universe, I chose to romance a character named Garrus (insert romantic sigh here). Now, most people wouldn't think that was a big deal until you realise he looks like this.

Garrus Vakarian: C-Sec Officer and hopeless romantic extrordinaire.

Yep. Garrus is a big, motherfucking alien. A turian to be exact. And yet, it doesn't matter what he looks like, I still chose to romance him. Bioware made him witty, sarcastic and funny, traits I admire. Which has got me thinking. Sometimes, these games have a purpose of mirroring what our own world is like and perhaps, teaching us a lesson. The game's background is fraught with racial tensions and prejudices, quite similar to our own world. Yet in this world, they all allied together and got rid of the thing that was threatening their entire extistence. I haven't got much thoughts on racial tensions in this world but on a smaller level, I guess what I am trying to say is that, with Garrus, I fell in love with a personality, a voice. His looks did not matter to me. Which makes me think that maybe the perception that most people are shallow when it comes to looks are not true after all and personality counts more than looks. It's a bit philosophical, I know and to be honest, it is very hard to comprehend unless you have actually played the game (or you have a decent sleeping pattern).


When I finished Mass Effect 3, all I can describe as a hole was left. That is a sad and pathetic thing to admit but it's true. I will get over it very quickly but a game that is so immersive and dense? It will be missed. Although, I guess there is always the chance to restart from scratch, which I think I will do. I have a feeling that some of the people who read this blog will want to commit me to the institution I described earlier, more for a loss of reality and in general, being a freakin' weirdo but really, there is no need. I just love gaming. I love the imagination. Maybe a little too much, I don't know but I'm happy and happiness is what we all strive for, right? For those who are interested, I would highly recommend playing these games, you will not regret it. And now I leave you with a scene that nearly brought a tear to my eye. I say nearly because I didn't cross the line of utter despair (thankfully).