Let Me Occupy Your Mind... Again.

I've been sitting here for the past five minutes, looking at this blank, virtual canvas and deliberating with myself. 'Should I start my blog again?'; 'Do I have anything interesting to say anymore?'; 'Will I even manage to successfully keep it going for longer than four days?'. The answer to all these questions and many others in my life at the moment is that I simply do not know.

 My life has become unnervingly boring and predictable. I haven't been out of the country in almost two years. I can't procrastinate anymore because I have absolutely nothing to do anyway. I actually miss university because at least I was on some sort of road to somewhere (although the 'somewhere' I had in mind seems light years away). I'm nearly twenty-three and I still share a room with my sister. I could go on and on but the list is endless. All I'm saying, is that when I was leaving school, thinking where will I be, five years from now, this wasn't what I had in mind. I seem to be in a perpetual state of limbo, not yet a fully-grown adult yet no longer a child either. Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, the only person that can get me out of this rut is the lazy, tired and unmotivated bear that is myself.

Now, I'm not going to start this 'New Year, New Me' codswallop (even though the only people I see saying 'New Year, New Me' are the people moaning about people saying 'New Year, New Me) because let's face it, it never works. However, I do need to make my life more fulfilling so in honour of this month of 'change', I have a list of things that I want to achieve this year

1. Read at least four books per month: I used to be a big reader - why did this change?! So many books to read, so little years left on this planet to read them all.

2. See Mark at least once a month: Yes, we have discussed the fact that we don't feel the need to see each other all of the time. However, once every four months is a tad unacceptable.

3. Do something 'Cultural' once a month: Whether it's an orchestra or the theatre, I don't care. I am lucky enough to live on the doorstep of one of the most cultural cities in the world and I do not take full advantage of this. Luckily, Katie has already made sure I meet January's target by purchasing me tickets to go and see 'Wicked' in Edinburgh for Christmas (I cried and I am not ashamed to admit that). I have never seen a ballet or an opera either so they're definitely the top of my list.

4. Reconnect with some old friends: On the whole, I don't think I'm too bad at this but there are some people I have literally had no communication with over the past year. I would really like to see some of these people again.. Life is funny sometimes but I'm a firm believer in 'It's never too late'.

5. Start a Diary: This is a risky one. I highly doubt I will have enough patience to continue a diary. However, I would like one which I could carry everywhere and record things such as ideas, funny moments, my wacky dreams or pieces of writing. Which brings me to my next point...

6. Write More: I have recently come to the realisation that I'm pretty mediocre at Business. Therefore, the only way I'm going to make my millions is by writing a bestseller. I do have it in myself to do it. However, at the moment, all of my ideas are swimming around in the soup I call a brain.

7. Get into the Christmas Spirit: I don't mean right this minute but 'holy moly', I could have made Scrooge look like one of Santa's elves last year. Sainsbury's crushed my Christmas spirit last year, I admit it. I was defeated. However, I vow that it won't this time. Pantos, mince pies, Christmas movie marathons - I don't care what it takes but I will become so 'Christmassy', I will literally become an all-singing and dancing Christmas pudding (I actually hope not seeing as Christmas Pudding is the worst foodstuff in the history of cuisine).

8. Leave the Country: If it involves getting a fake passport, changing my name to Miguel and sitting in the back of a Tesco's lorry on the way to Calais then so be it. I will go abroad this year. The dream would be Interrailling. We'll see what my bank balance says on that one (probably 'Computer says No').

I think that to an average person, these things are pretty easy to achieve. Then again, I'm not your average Joe (or Jane). If the start to this year has taught me anything, life is too short to sit on your arse and wish for things to happen. I think I will need to start to follow some sort of Motivation Quotations blog on Tumblr to make this happen but if that's what it takes, then so be it!

This year is for you, Nanny.

'The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012' - A Manifesto

The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012

'Under Section One of The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012, it is hereby illegal to touch, grab or carress another human being's derriere in the public domain. Failure to comply can invoke a £30 fine, an hour in the stocks or having to beg for forgiveness in front of an entire crowd'.

Proclaimed by the Honourable and Eternal Leader, the President of the Free World (Or, me!)

Introduction

We live in a free society, a society which carries within its lifeblood, a care-free attitude and acceptance. To ridicule or lament a society like this would be fundamentally wrong. However, unfortunately, there are those who abuse their positions in society and commit unspeakable acts towards other members of the public domain. These people must be stopped at all costs. And these people are: Arse Grabbers.

The Crime

The act of arse grabbing is a complicated and vile problem. For the perpetrator, it is a moment of madness or an act of intent. But for the victim, it can be highly traumatic, embarrassing... even mentally scarring! Naturally, there may be some people who are in a relationship who wish to grab each other's arses. This is perfectly acceptable as long as their license to bum grab is shown to a presiding officer of the regime. Otherwise, if caught grabbing an innocent, they must face sever consequences.

Penalty

According to National Statistics, 80% of Bum Grabbing incidences are committed when both parties are under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and although the Free World is strict, we are not unreasonable. If someone is caught bum grabbing, they will be given a warning and a stamp on their forehead, branding them a dirty bum grabber. If they pursue more bum grabbing, they will face a £30 fine, an hour in stocks with bum-shaped rotten tomatoes being launched at them and then perform a humiliating public apology to the affected party. In this way, we hope to rehabilitate offenders to show them the light, and remove all bum grabbing urges from them.

Conclusion

Bum grabbing is a senseless act and needs to be stopped.

With your help, this crime could become a thing of the past.