What do Pete Burns and Ray Winstone have in common? Nothing...

Okay, I'm not going to lie to you, I can attribute many things to my idiocy. But I don't have the time nor the energy to list them and I know, you, my readers, don't have the time to read them either.

However, last night, I seemed to surpass all known boundaries of stupidity and I am certainly paying for it today. So, allow me to set the scene...

I am sitting in the lounge, watching 'Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World' on my laptop. Now, usually when I watch movies, I am known to be quite fidgety, whether it's clicking my toes or shaking my knees (this is beginning to sound like a bizarre dance routine, it's not). However, the source of my entertainment that night appeared to be the cap from my mini hairspray. I was having great fun, biting round the edges but this wasn't enough. No, I thought it would be a great idea to suck it to my face and see how long I could do it for. (Insert awkward elipsis here).

I can only say that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I went into the bathroom about half an hour later and I got the most enormous shock of my life when I saw Pete Burns staring back at me in the mirror. It was horrific. I panicked for a little bit before resigning to myself that when I woke up in the morning, my lips would be back to their normal, lippy-like self and all evidential nonsense from the night before would be forever erased.

I was wrong.

My lips are still a purple-ly, brown colour so I look like a Zombie. The swelling has gone down but has been replaced with a purple circle where the edge of cap had been sucked to my face. The top half resembles a paedo-y pencil moustache and the bottom line makes my bottom lip look like a black man's. I have to admit, applying a circle of concealer around my lips today has to be one of the weirdest cover-up jobs I've ever had to do...

I can't really justify my actions. I have no idea why I did it but certainly, I wouldn't have done it had I known the consequences. So I guess the moral of the story is, don't suck a cap to your face, even if it's fun.

That's some pout...

Anyway, moving swiftly on...

Today, Mark and me went to see 'The Sweeney', the remake of the classic 70's cop show starring Ray Winstone and Ben Drew (aka, Plan B). Now, before I launch into my tirade, I feel I need to point out that I do actually like Ray Winstone. He's a brilliant actor and has a really distinct voice with adds to his characters. However, if someone had asked me to write a list of 'Things I Never Want To See', directly behind 'The Human Centipede' (Sorry, bad pun was bad) would be seeing Ray Winstone kicking off his underwear and giving a remarkably younger lady a right good shagging...

It's just not right. Grunting away whilst he romantically pumps this lady in a public bathroom (fifteen minutes into the film I may add). Then, to top it all off, he does it again, after ripping off this lady's dress and jumping on her. BOAK. I did not pay to see this. I did not want to see this. It does not add to the film. Seriously, all of the film's good points were washed away in two single torrid moments. Eurgh. Seriously, if I have to witness another Ray Winstone sex scene in my life again, it will be too soon. In fact, I'd rather drill my eyeballs out...

The worst part? The actress who he was with is Hayley Atwell, the actress who played Peggy Carter, who played the love interest in 'Captain America'. Now, imagine, locking lips with Chris Evans, one of the hottest men alive and then being told your next role involves filming sexy time with Ray Winstone. I do believe that this is a major step down.

Why?

'The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012' - A Manifesto

The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012

'Under Section One of The Gluteus Maximus Act 2012, it is hereby illegal to touch, grab or carress another human being's derriere in the public domain. Failure to comply can invoke a £30 fine, an hour in the stocks or having to beg for forgiveness in front of an entire crowd'.

Proclaimed by the Honourable and Eternal Leader, the President of the Free World (Or, me!)

Introduction

We live in a free society, a society which carries within its lifeblood, a care-free attitude and acceptance. To ridicule or lament a society like this would be fundamentally wrong. However, unfortunately, there are those who abuse their positions in society and commit unspeakable acts towards other members of the public domain. These people must be stopped at all costs. And these people are: Arse Grabbers.

The Crime

The act of arse grabbing is a complicated and vile problem. For the perpetrator, it is a moment of madness or an act of intent. But for the victim, it can be highly traumatic, embarrassing... even mentally scarring! Naturally, there may be some people who are in a relationship who wish to grab each other's arses. This is perfectly acceptable as long as their license to bum grab is shown to a presiding officer of the regime. Otherwise, if caught grabbing an innocent, they must face sever consequences.

Penalty

According to National Statistics, 80% of Bum Grabbing incidences are committed when both parties are under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and although the Free World is strict, we are not unreasonable. If someone is caught bum grabbing, they will be given a warning and a stamp on their forehead, branding them a dirty bum grabber. If they pursue more bum grabbing, they will face a £30 fine, an hour in stocks with bum-shaped rotten tomatoes being launched at them and then perform a humiliating public apology to the affected party. In this way, we hope to rehabilitate offenders to show them the light, and remove all bum grabbing urges from them.

Conclusion

Bum grabbing is a senseless act and needs to be stopped.

With your help, this crime could become a thing of the past.