Stetsons, Flying Cars and Guy Martin

Right Now: 'Power & Control' - Marina and the Diamonds

I just want to start this blog entry off by stating how addicted I am to 'Temple Run'. I appreciate that the craze of collecting coins and sliding under trees is a ship that has long since sailed but due to the fact that I have only recently purchased an Apple product capable of running it, I am still in the thrall of my obsession. Also, I would like to point out that the 'Brave' version of it, whilst obviously marketed to younger users is about a thousand times harder than the original and I'm really struggling to get above a million. Humph.

Now that I have wrote about my latest pathetic excitement, I want to talk about 'Dallas', the continuation of the classic 80's TV programme, which has been rebooted and is now showing on Channel 5 (I sound like an advertisement...). Naturally, with it coming from such an esteemed (in my correct opinion) era, I just had to watch it and I've just completed the second episode. Not that it's a problem but everytime I watch it, I immediately get a desire to become an oil baron. The amount of money these people have is astonishing, driving in their fast cars and looking good in knee-high boots and Stetsons (which is not a look most people can pull off). Plus, the weather always seems to be sunny and the men are, to be frank, 'mighty fine'.

As you can see, the above pictures are rather self explanatory.

But, in all seriousness, I am genuinely enjoying it. I rarely watch TV programmes because I dislike having to be in front of the television at a certain time of week to watch something (AKA, Fuck the System). Additionally, I have a mortal hatred of watching things with other people. Either something embarrassing happens like a sex scene which casts the shadow of awkwardness over us all or I can't hear because someone is yapping away. So thumbs up for 5 on Demand for allowing me to watch it from the comfort and isolation of my laptop when everyone else has gone to bed. And there you have it. I'm going to admit that I'm a 'Dallas' fan even though there is a big risk that I'll get slagged for it. And yes, before you ask, I am a seventy year old woman, what of it?

Moving swiftly on, I was thinking whilst playing Temple Run that we, as a planet, are really slow on the technology front. In fact, I would go as far to describe it as painfully slow. If you go back sixty years and look at all the films that were being made at that time, most of them depicted this point in the future to have massive skyscrapers which stretched far into the clouds, flying cars driven by robots and other cool stuff. But where is all this cool stuff I hear you ask? Nowhere. That's where.

Honestly, I feel the question of "Why can't I teleport to work instead of paying £4 to get a bus?" is a valid point that must be brought to someone's attention really soon. I mean, companies like Apple, who have spent years developing the iPhone 5, just for it to have a bigger screen should concentrate less on making Siri tell bad jokes and concentrate more on developing a way of getting a pizza delivery to come out of my television. Because I sure as hell would buy that television. I think I may have to pursue this venture when I graduate so watch this space...

Finally, I have a new yet, unattainable man in my life. I watched 'TT: Closer to the Edge' last night after I had watched 'Senna' for the one millionth time (if you haven't seen it, you must, it's fantastic) and I was blown away. I used to think Formula One was a dangerous sport but compared to the TT, it's like a pillow fight. These men are going down windy, country roads at 200 miles per hour on motorbikes. I don't even know where to begin, apart from the fact that I was frightened to watch half the time.

But, whilst watching the film through my hands, I did manage to develop a love for one of the racers, Guy Martin, who I can only describe as the 'Ultimate Lad'. Clearly having absolutely no shame, he candidly admits in front of the camera his night time routine of having a wank before settling down for his kip and proclaiming his hatred for the word 'Unbelievable', which should only be used if 'a man eats his own head'. Not that I find that kind of thing attractive, I think it's more his face. And his hair. He has truly epic hair.

Hiyaz.

Now that I have finished watching these two very similar but oh so different films, I need to find something similar to keep myself satisfied. Watching these documentaries has just reinforced my dream to get a career in Formula One. And maybe, just maybe, I could marry someone as good looking as Guy Martin. If not, I could always fall back on the Oil Baron thing I suppose. I mean, drilling for oil, how hard can it be?

The Prince and the Pauper

I would like someone to nominate themselves to be my full-time accountant. Unfortunately, it would have to be on a volunteer basis (hence the predicament of trying to find an accountant) but I will be able to offer frequent payments of cookies and hugs of the undying appreciation kind.

Okay, I'm not that bad but I genuinely just can't seem to make my money last through a whole month. Last weekend, I lived like a King (or perhaps an even better image would be Silvio Berlusconi). Don't get me wrong, I believe half of my money went straight into the 'Stonehouse Pub' cash register, what with all the Rose tequila shots and the mini Guinness (although I can formally state that I don't regret a single thing). To sum it up, last weekend, I completely 'bunga bunga' partied myself out. And it was great!

 However, now summing up the courage and looking at my poor bank balance, this weekend and the next two afterwards are definitely going to stink more than a Glaswegian junkie. Luckily, a knight in shining (and 3D) armour seems to have arrived in the form of Odeon, who have decided to give me a mass of 2-for-1 vouchers throughout September and the most of October. Can you guess where I'll be spending my free time in the next few weeks? (Unless nobody comes with me, then I'll be poor and lonely, sniffles).

In the midst of all this doom and gloom, there is a slight ray of sunshine. I looked at my savings today and without going into too much financial detail, I'm well on my way to achieving my target, all thanks to Lloyds TSB's fancy pie chart software!

The Pork Chop Analogy

A few months ago, I posted a blog in which I promised to explain something I have affectionately named 'The Pork Chop Analogy'. It's been a while since that blog post now but I think you're all finally ready to hear the explanation as it is only fair.

The premise is pretty simple really. You just need to accept the fact that the pork chop is the most horrible and disgusting foodstuff in the entire world.

Never has anything graced my plate so tasteless, oily, tough, pale, fatty, grisly, chewy, bland and quite frankly, crap like a pork chop. It is the pinnacle of bad food. When I hear from mutti that tonight's dinner is Pork Chops, my heart genuinely sinks into the pit of my stomach, hoping it's digested before it has to provide the blood flow to digest the pork chop. To be honest, it just makes me sad, really sad and I can't explain why I feel so strongly about them. It's amazing to think that bacon, glorious bacon comes from the same animal as a pork chop does. The humble pig is food heaven and hell in the same entity, astonishing. I feel so strongly about pork chops that if I had the free time, I would campaign to have them banned but alas, no-one has that much time on their hands and pledging that my future children will never have to suffer it will have to do.

Now, that has been explained, back to the analogy. If you're looking for a wonderful insult to use, you can use 'The Pork Chop Analogy'.

For example: 'You're just a big pork chop' would probably reduce me to tears.

If you're having a bad day: 'That was a pork chop of a day' conveys the same meaning as 'That was a shitter of a day.'

And so on and so forth.

So, next time someone's giving you grief, tell them that they are a pork chop. Or not...

Boak.

Change My Template, Like One Of Your French Girls...

Do you like my new template? Madiha inspired me but I decided it was time for a change as well (plus, I don't know about my readers but the orange floral pattern was giving me a severe migraine). I decided to bring some cheer to the blog so the new background is a rather prettiful photo of Montréal in the Winter season, which so happens to be the same time of year that I shall be arriving in. And though I have to admit it looks undeniably beautiful, it also looks icky, wet and downright miserable.

Probably should have mentioned I hate snow with a passion.

Obviously, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because it will be a 'great experience... yada yada yada' but at the same time, I feel sort of sad. I live in Scotland, which is possibly the most miserable and dire place in the world when it concerns weather. You don't even get exciting weather like thunder and lighting which would be fine. You just get constant rain and snow. It's just horrible. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm excited for Montréal but for just once in my life, I would like to have lived in a country where taking a raincoat everywhere was not the norm. That would have been fantastic.

Now, I feel like an ungrateful moan.

It's quite late now. I think I shall go to bed. I'm going to see Dredd again tomorrow and I am über excited. It was just the best film I've seen in ages. Plus Karl Urban has a really sexy chin.

Mmm, Karl Urban.

Owympics.

Right now: 'Someone, Somewhere (In Summer Time)' - Simple Minds

I have no idea why I felt the need to write 'Olympics' in a style vaguely Jonathan-Ross-esque but I like it and I feel that it should be adopted hereafter as the official pronunciation of the word.

That hideous patriotic side of me is threatening to come out again so here is an advisory warning for you people who vomit (either metaphorically or literally, preferably not literally though) at the sight of flags, national pride and anthems. You have all been cautioned.

My opinion on the opening ceremony: Bloody marvellous. I'm not sure if it's because I am a patriotic bastard or because I could understand the premise but I thought it was genius. When Daniel Craig walked into the Queen's office and there was a little, elderly hobgoblin sitting at the desk, I was like 'Could it? Could it really be her?' And it was. Right in front of my eyes, I saw the Monarch of our country, the head of the commonwealth, the woman's whose face is manhandled by cashiers and is licked by letter-writers everyday acting in front of billions. It was a genuinely lovely moment. Then she parachuted out of a helicopter... (By the way, I totally kid about the Queen being a hobgoblin, I think she's lovely).

However, as I had accepted that my life would probably not get as complete as it was at that moment (which actually thinking about it, is genuinely sad), Rowan Atkinson took the Gold Medal in life-completeness. I'm not even going to discolour the moment with words, for they are not enough to describe the fantastic-ness of that skit. He is a God, 'nuff said (along with Cheese, Stephen Fry and the internet).

The torch was definitely the most impressive part though. My whole family was ooh-ing and ahh-ing. I think my father was more moved by the ingenuity of the torches than me (which is a hard feat). It was just fantastic.

Not going to lie though, I am gutted David Tennant never lit the Olympic flame. I was so sure it was going to happen, especially after I saw a whole orchestra wearing converse and the sound of the TARDIS during the musical part of the show. I feel deceived to be quite honest. There is no way I can watch that episode now and believe it's going to happen. But alas, I guess things happen for a reason (or in a parallel universe).

So, the ceremony went perfectly, nothing had gone wrong. But, as it was finishing without a hitch, motherfucking Paul McCartney showed his old mug. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and have great respect for The Beatles, they are one of music's most finest acts, their songs are sublime and they rightly deserve their fame (and massive fortune no less). However, we all need to realise that there comes a time to retire. And I think the time is now, Paul. He buggered up the beginning of 'Hey Jude' in front of billions, a song that he has no doubt performed thousands of times in his career and it was just cringe. Pure and utter cringe. It made me feel sad. So fuck you Paul McCartney *shakes fist.

Now that I have finished shaking my fist, I can now tell you all that I went to see the Olympics Women's Football today at Hampden. It was group G who were playing featuring the countries of USA, Colombia, France and... Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Better known as North Korea. (Or according to Greg, Best Korea).

I did not find out that I was seeing North Korea until I arrived and it was a major honour, I mean, I actually got really excited. Not many people can say they've seen a North Korean football match, let alone seen one in action and it was awesome (even if they did lose five-nil to France, I'm sure Korean propaganda will follow in the same style of Kim Jong-Il's eleven holes in one and publicise their score as 41-nil). They all looked like men though, that is all I will say.

A Public Apology To The New Dear Leader...

Seven years on from winning the bid and we have finally arrived at the London 2012 Olympic Games. The time has really flown by, hasn't it? Having said that, even though I am normally quite a patriotic person, both Scottish and British,  I can't say the impending games has me all fluttered and excited for some medal action. In fact, it's quite the contrary, as I can really take it or leave it. Not that I am of the camp that it is a 'massive waste of money blah blah blah', I do genuinely think it will be good for us in the long run. I just think it's because I don't have a sporting bone in my body that is more the reason for my non-plussedness.

However, the news that some, to put it politely, idiot portrayed the South Korean flag with the North Korean woman's football team is, quite frankly, embarrassing. David Cameron has described it as an honest mistake but really? Anyone with half a brain (or who has seen Team America: World Police) will know that there is at least some political tension between the two nations, let alone a bloody war. Therefore, you should at least check that you've got the right flag. When I heard, I wanted to face plank the table so much it was unreal. Honestly, I cannot apologise to our new dear leader, Kim Jong-Un, enough. Hopefully, he'll accept our pitiful apologies and won't point a nuclear bomb in our faces...

Following on with the Olympics theme, another thing I would like to discuss is the disgusting sculpture in the middle of the Olympic park in London. For those who haven't seen it, feast your eyes on this structural obscenity.

YUCK.

It actually makes me cry, thinking about the amount of money that was poured into something that looks like it's still under construction. How anyone could compare that to such icons like the Eiffel Tower or the Statue of Liberty seriously needs a lobotomy (or has already had one). It's ugly. Actually, it's fugly. A fugly slut. It really does makes my blood boil. I mean, for all the resources we, as a nation, poured into the Olympics, could we have not made a better sculpture? It doesn't even fit in with the surroundings. I just hope that one day, some brave, intelligent soul in power will look up at it, discover how awful it is and decide to burn it to the ground, like a deformed wickerman. I will happily fill the role as deranged worshipper and dance around the flames in ecstasy as it will be an occasion to celebrate.

I wish I could find more words to describe my feelings for this thing but I feel that this meme does the job perfectly.

Self-Explanatory really!

As much as I like to complain and discuss the stupidity of some of the individuals involved in the Olympics, I would like to state that I hope Team GB do us proud. I'm sure we'll win something and I think the games will be good for us, with the benefits being reaped for many generations to come. However, if I was to point out a suggestion, I still feel David Tennant should light the flame like he did in Doctor Who. Then Doctor Who won't just be a programme but will be a factual representation of the universe (and that would be seriously cool).

I think they should have designed the torches the same way too but I'm not too fussed.

Prepare for a Mindblowing...

Anyone remember Jonathan Lipnicki, the child actor who played the brother in Stuart Little and was in The Little Vampire?

Might have chose this photo for a little bit of Hugh Laurie too...

Well, it turns out that he grew up into this...

So wrong.